literally had 100 drinks last night.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
