Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
