Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How does one acquire holy water?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
