I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
