They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
