Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
