Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
