Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
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His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
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Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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