I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
