I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
