he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
