3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
