There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
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My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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