I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
