All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
