Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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