Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
