it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
