I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We talked him into tasing himself.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
