Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
