I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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