There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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