Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
