Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
