In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
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until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
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I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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