when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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