end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
