if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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