Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
