In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
