when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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