If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
