Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
They are going to name an STD after you.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
