Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
two words: eviction party
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
