my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
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how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
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BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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