I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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