I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
