i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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