There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
