Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
