whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
