STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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