his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
