I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Still dying that you shit outside
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
