i need an iv and a liver transplant
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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