True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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