I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
