there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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