Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
