Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
