they're staring at me
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.