Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.