He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
I just want to make out with him forever
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.