The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
whose ass print is on the piano?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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