Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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