When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
