i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
