The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
