Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
