if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
