I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
