I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
