I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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